Well it appears maybe finally my computer is better.  I thought I had it working a week ago, but alas it again showed up this this insatiable virus.  I wiped out my personal “files” to a memory stick and took it to my IT peoples at work last Monday.  It has been running smooth since I got it back.  *crossing fingers*.   I apologize sincerely for my “disappearence”, though out of my hands.  The story of my life it seems at times - nothing seems to be easy.  Although, I have heard and said the saying - nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.  I guess if that is true I should have alot of worthwhile things ahead of me.   I use to really believe that.  About a year ago - Everything in my life, all the struggles, the heartache - trials and tribulations, well they all started to make sense.  When Adrianna and I came to realize that we had been in love with each other for years and were just afraid to say it, to embrace it - because it seemed soo surreal.  But when that moment came - it was so natural.  It was just the truth, the way it was suppose to be.  We knew we’d be together forever, that we’d grow old together and share our lives.  That all we had went through had led us to this point.  This point when finally our lives and happiness could begin.  Little did we know, just a few months later - all our dreams, all our hopes and plans would disappear in an instance.  In a month and 19 days it will have been a year since my world was shattered and my future disappeared with one phone call.  With the simple words - “I’m so sorry.”  I could tell in the tone what was coming next. 

Not a day passes that this does not still affect me, isnt on my mind.  Im still trying to put myself back together, and I fear it may take a long, long time.  I try to keep my mind busy with things - because at times its still overwhelming in my mind.  Maybe thats part of the reason at times I try to to “embrace” Staci.  Though she exisited long before this, at times its a wonderful distratcion from the things in my life.  Though at the same time, as I sit here sharing her merely with the “cyber world”, I long to share her with people in person.  It occasionally does not create the distraction in my mind I had hoped, and rather makes me miss Adrianna more as she loved this side of me as well.  She was just more then I could of ever imagined.  She constantly surprised me and was everything and more, better then the woman I have dreamt of spending my life with.

 Anyways - to move on as that took alot out of me.  So there honestly has not been much else with me.  Simply trying to pass the days.  Not sure what Im looking forward too - outside of spring time being here and possibly warm weather.  I am hoping that will refresh me somewhat and bring upon some relief to my spirits.  Speaking of which the 22 inches of snow we got here between friday afternoon and last night did not help things.  At least since I am on call for work, and feeling a bit under the weather myself with a cold - I didnt mind so much as I hadnt planned on going out really.  I just hope the roads are cleaned out a bit by the time I have to head to work in the morning.

Hopefully maybe I will have some new pics posted soon.  Its not so easy to take a whole bunch by yourself with a web cam.  I also would like to post some vids - but not sure what kind of vids to make or where to safely post them.  I will admit in the last few weeks I haven’t indulged as much in Staci.  Again, it comes to the point where she craves that dominance and direction.  I can only think of so much to do on my own. 

At any rate, I will wrap this up for now.  I’ve missed you all and look forward to sharing more on a regular basis as long as this wonderful technology works as it should.

Well not my personally thank god.  My computer, however, seems to be having major issues.  Its seemed to have rendered my wireless adapted useless.  I’ve tried doing some reading about this pigeon trojan - I’ve found some mixed posts about this virus and tried the suggestions people posted to no avail at wiping this off my system.  It seems though this is a “newer” bug and hopefully soon my anti-spyware suite will have a way to wipe it off my computer instead of merely telling me its still there and it cant do anything about it.  So please please please bare with me. 

On a lighter note - I purchased a few new clothing items that I cant wait to post some new pics in.  I’d like to thank my new friend Lulu - who I miss very much, for her help. If your reading this Lulu - I hope you are doing well.  *hugs*. 

Mistress Honey - I apologize for not having a 2nd post.  I got sidetracked chatting with my new friend and well 2 sundays ago my computer caught this thing and havent been able to get online since.  I miss you as well.

As for my other readers and commenteers - Sissy Daryl and Ruby Red - I promise soon I will make up for this lapse and have hopefully wonderful content for you to read.  Thank you for your supportive comments.

As for anyone else I didnt mention who has come across my blogs - thank you for reading and checking back for new posts. 

If this issue does not sort itself out soon - I may need to have the IT guys at my work look into this.  I’m hoping to avoid it however as I will need to remove some files I really dont want them to come across on my laptop. hehe.  Just a pain in the butt I’m hoping to avoid.

 While I do miss all of you and posting on here - in a way I must truly admit it has been somewhat refreshing living in the “pre-internet age”.  Dont get me wrong - I love it, but at the same time, its been kinda nice not worrying about e-mail and other net things on the puter.  Kinda like a mini vacation.  I am craving to come back though.   I actually typed this out on word a few days ago and saved it to a flash drive so hopefully when I was somewhere I could get online - I could post this very quickly.

Sorry this was kinda off topic of my developement of Staci - but this has been what has been going on in my lil world.  Look forward to being back soon.

I’d like to thank those of you for your feedback and comments.  I really do appriciate it.  Honestly, I somewhat feel bad as I had agreed to post twice a week.  Unfortunately my two posts will seemingly come close together or almost on the same day.  For this I apologize.  This week, with V-day and all, was somewhat an semi-emotional one.  After loosing the love of my life last April - these first few “holidays” have been tough at times going through them alone.  Though I try to stay strong - it still gets to you a bit especially on these days - around these times. 

Anyways, so this post.  I am sitting here trying to decide where I should go with this….what to say exactly.  What is on my mind?  Well, I will say that I am sitting here feeling somewhat lost.  That simple 4 letter word seems to have crept into my life alot over the past year almost here.  Lost in so many different ways.  Both generally speaking  for both sides of me.  My normal boy side, and well the path/development of Staci Marie. 

As a side note - I have somewhat failed in the things I wanted to follow that I mentioned in previous post.  I have not stuck to using my plug nor practicing on my dildo.  I am not sure why?  I suppose its because I can choose not to, or maybe its more that it is not much fun, or exciting doing it on my own for myself.  I need that interaction with someone, that push, that guiding presence.  However I will say as I sit here typing this, my plug is in fact inserted. 

I wanted to thank Mistress Honey, before I forget, for the lovely post concerning me, and all her help in pushing me.  It has been a good starting point for me, and I am trusting in her direction.  I must admit I sometimes think I need more however.  At the same time, I can understand why she has not giving me more as I seemed to have a hard time keeping up thus far with even the two posts a week.  Maybe it is more my lack of commitment that has kept her from giving me more things to do, more structured specific tasks.  Maybe it is me, and not those “domme” I find that keep me from progressing.  I am honestly not sure. 

Its just like a few times this week, in the morning getting ready for work, it crossed my mind to be daring and wear panties to work.  Yet again, I brush off the thought - not because I fear getting caught, but because the idea came from my own mind and not due to someone else’s suggestion.  The other problem with this is that I dont have alot of panties, or other clothing items that truly fit me properly.  Unfortunately things cost money - and I dont have alot of money to spend on things.  I am aware there are great deals out there that can be found; but with no one to share them with on a constant basis - seems like somewhat a waste of money.  If I had someone in my life to share this with on a regular basis.  I would easily, Im sure, loosen the strings on the lil money I do have. 

I am not sure if this is good or bad but unfortunately the plug stayed in this time for only about an hour, as I had to pause writing this as my body decided to push it out.  I must admit, I really am unaware of the proper use of many toys that exist out there, even a few that i have.  While I have been “toying” with things and this side of me for a few years - I’ve never really truly gotten to expierence alot and am still very new in many ways.  The fact it did not stay in long could also be due to the fact last night I was somewhat naughty.  I found myself quite horny and decided to ride my dildo.  I’ll admit, many times I am not into doing this.  Partly because I tend to want to save the dildo for practicing sucking, but also because most times it rather hurts.  Occasionally however I get the urge to insert it.  I will say there is something about riding it and cumming without touching myself that is a turn on. 

Other then that I suppose I will wrap this up, so as to have maybe more to say in my next post which will be soon.  And if you were wondering I still have had no luck in enjoying my own sweetness.  I tried a few times to enjoy it - yet constantly I find that urge gone once I release.  I am not sure how to work on getting by this. 

Hope all of you are doing well and thanks for reading.  As always your feedback is more then welcomed.  

Well Valentines Day is around the corner - and i cant wait for it to pass by.  Its sad that ive come to feel this way.  Just still far from back to myself I think.  I am really not sure what all to say hey;  however I must stick to my promise of a blg a week.  Theres just sooo much other stuff going on in my mind, that I really dont feel like thinking about it more to type it out.  My goal is trying not to think about it all.  Still hurts too much.   I will say I cant wait for spring to be here.  I am sick of the cold.  Sadly that is the only thing I have to look forward to at the moment.  I havent done much as along the lines of Staci.  I fear she could fade away in time.  I did completely clean myself up yesterday for the first time in a long time; however once again with no one to share with - its just not the same.  I apologize for not having much great to say; trust me, I wish I had something great to report.  Unfortunately I like interaction of sorts - and really havent found any.  I see I’ve had a lot of hits here - but very little feedback.  Maybe I need to write more? write better?  Im not sure. 

 On a lighter note. I did snap a few new pics yesterdays.

I need to start out by apologizing as I have neglected my duties of regularly posting here.  Sometimes “the real world” seems to need more attention at times.  Not that anything has been going on especially - but life can catch up with you at times.  Maybe its also partly as with having no one to share this side of me with, no one pushing me, no guide to follow - the desire at times has seemed to fade away.  I somewhat feel its a bit ashame as I believe with the right guidience, I could become something I never imagined.  In a way, honestly I’ve been quite surprised I havent yet caught anyones attention.  Maybe I am not as good of a mound of clay as I thought.  Its hard to know where to look.  It would almost be easier if I thought i was trapped in the wrong body, or if well I was attracted to males.  Then it would make more sense.  However, in my case, I love woman.  Its more of a sexual, and well fun thing.  Guys really dont turn me on at all.  I will admit, it does turn me on when I know I’m turning a guy on.  Its kinda hot to feel sexy, to feel wanted.  And well - let me interject, while this post was long over due - Its going to be more honest, and always will be, then anything I’ve ever said, thought and maybe admitted.  I guess maybe its time to try something different.  Worth a shot, I mean, it cant hurt, can it? It could only fail as well, and not change a thing, like everything else in the past….so really i’d be no worse off.  I’d like to think theres the potential that maybe, just maybe, in writing here, someway - somehow, something great will find me.  Can you tell I am a dreamer?  And while I dream big, its probably why at times I hurt big.  Such is life though at times.  So back to my honesty. 

So back to this blog’s point before I went off on my tangent.  I wish I had a guide to take me down some path.  I’m feeling at a stuck point with this.  I only seem to be able to push myself to certain points on my own, while at the same time I believe I want to go beyond them.  I am able though, being bymyself, to let myself “chicken out”.  Its fustrating. That is why I seek someone.  I thought I got somewhat close by finding this guide on a website  http://www.sexyadulthost.com/users/sissystation/station.htm . I’ll admit, I cant say I honestly followed this ever step for step.  I have done some of the things out of order as well.  There’s a few that I cant seem to complete because again, its hard to have your limits pushed by yourself. I’m not sure if its really a good guide or not anyways.  Maybe if I knew, I’d try to follow it more closely, but again thats kind of like wanting a nudge to follow even that.

 Well I am giving it a slight try again - thus why I am writing this blog.  Hopefully I will luck out and get some good feed back, some ideas, some orders….lol  I also am going to try and start truly following something a random domme type that came across me in a yahoo chat room commanded.  Ashame that I have never seen her since.  Thats the problem with the web sometimes, as most easily and quickly seem to disappear.  Makes it tough to find someone looking to have that long term “relationship”.   At any rate - so she had said I am too use my butt plug everyday.  To insert it and keep it as long as possible.  This will be the first day doing so.  Hopefully I will keep to it - or find something to push me to it.  Its been a succesful 45 mins so far as it was 10:00am EST I embarked on this.  She also commanded that I should practice sucking on a dildo at least 15mins a day.  I will begin that here as well today once I post this blog. 

Thanks for reading and well all feedback is more the appriciated

       Well first off.  Hello to you all and thank you for taking a moment to see my page.  First things first, I must thank Mistress Honey for all her help in pushing me to create this, and helping me get this page started.  Bare with me as I promise the content will be worthwhile as I form this page into my own.